This isn’t so much about love, as in caring; this is about property, as in ownership

If I could hurt you I would. If I could scream and shout, I’d do that too. I feel like smashing, throwing, shattering. But mostly I feel like you wont let me be.

Knowing you has been difficult. It has meant remembering a past, a happy childhood, a time that should be joyously and fondly recalled. My early years were full of running, jumping and climbing trees. A youth that centred on friendship. You were there.

Fast forward. I knew from the very off that night that all was not well. I knew by the way you stood there, how you spoke and most of all, how you looked at me. I wondered how I ever thought you could have ever cared at all.

But love is blind and I chose to see the situation for what it was not. Unstable. Volatile. A time bomb ticking, ticking, ticking, getting ever closer to detonating. All I could see was the story in my head. Ah yes, my happily ever after. But that was a dream.

Years have passed since this all began, since the moment I told myself to like and the time since then when like grew to something more. And here I am now, alone. Seems to me that I am the one who was destined to pull the short straw, eternally hoping but never receiving. I am the one who cannot get through one day without thinking about him. I am the one who checks her messages a hundred times a day and prays that he might have called. I cannot get him out of my head and I cannot move on with my life without him. I cannot see a future with him gone.

Believe me, I want to get better but I just don’t know how. Who knows how to mend a broken heart? Who knows how to stop a girl from caring for a boy who has filled her head with hope and her heart with love? She loves a boy that she cannot trust. He makes her the happiest that she has ever been and every second without him kills her a little bit more.

I don’t know if I am explaining it right…

It is impossible. It is wanting to break glass, smash windows, slam doors and just scream, scream, scream. I have to keep moving just to escape it. I have to run away from the one thing that I would run towards forever. A constant battle. It follows me from dusk to dawn. Nags, niggles, pokes and prods. It is always there. And there. And there too.

I feel defeated.

You don’t want me anymore.

FC